I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
