Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
