there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
