his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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