How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
