You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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