My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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