i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
