I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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