He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
