i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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