Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize