Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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