Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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