my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
