Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
