She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
