he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
