Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
