Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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