Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
