apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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