Someone shit on the floor
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
