Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
