I wish I could teleport
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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