You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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