On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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