Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
