I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
