im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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