Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
