To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
