i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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