I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
