i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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