I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
