Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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