When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
