Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
