I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
