im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
