im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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