So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
