Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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