i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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