her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
