I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize