I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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