Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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