I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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