Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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