I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
