He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
