i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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