So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
