I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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