I just pynch a tree in the face
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
