Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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