It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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