I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
