Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
