Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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