I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Drunk is not a location!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
