I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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