Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
